The Good Part of the Aftermath

I had the most beautiful drive on my way to work on Saturday. I was shooting a wedding in Topanga Canyon, near Malibu. Here I am, blond hair everywhere, driving down CA HWY 1, waves crashing about, dense and salty air pouring through the car, with German opera blaring through the speakers. Here I am, singing and spitting (German opera, people, a bit of spit is required) at the top of my lungs, and I didn't care. People thought I was nuts, people stared, I didn't care, and it was glorious. I thrive off of creative, sporadic and fleeting moments like this. All too soon, the German opera was over, and on came something in Spanish. I can't sing in Spanish...

It was overwhelmingly fitting that most of the songs at church this morning were about being alive. "It's all because of Jesus I'm alive". I stood in the dark next to Holly, glancing at her occasionally, watching her try to keep it together, to not let her tears actually fall. If they fell, then she would be crying, she doesn't like to cry. I've seen her cry more this last week than I have since I've known her, which has been since we were 17. I dropped Ava off in her classroom, and Tyler was waiting for her with a warm smile. I wanted to scoop him up and squeeze his safe and healthy little body. He was not having it....I suppose he didn't get the "Hey Buddy, we were in a totally terrorizing, horrifying, scar you for life, freakish incident and now we all love each other a whole lot more than we did the day before" memo.

Since the bee attack (yes, the attack), I've come to find that I'm so much more in love with my God, my husband, my kids, and my life. Today we went to the mall after church. We ate greasy food court pizza, and shopped for a suit...Hubby's dressing up for a friend's wedding. A night away for us is in the very near future, thank you Jason and Melanie, for getting married and giving us a great excuse to get away! Thick, juicy, savor-every-last-drop life.

There were so many times when the responsibilities of my family and my growing business would overwhelm me....not anymore. I've hired a housekeeper, she starts on Wednesday. I dated my husband this week. Dinner AND a movie...it was divine and intoxicating, not just because of a delicious glass of Pino Noir at dinner, but because of us. US. We've still got it, and it's good. A few days ago, he told me that it felt "new". I've let that slowly sink in over these past 4 days. It's been 7 years, and he feels like it's new....deliriously intoxicating.

The Aftermath isn't all good, though. It isn't all love and children and wine and a clean house. There are fears, phobias, if you will. I know that these will not soon ease, we'll address them later I suppose. I may need more Pino Noir to write about that....it's still too fresh and new.

Our Story: My Side

(If you've just stumbled upon my blog, read the post just below this one first)

Part 2

One frame. The last frame from our shoot haunts me. I didn't want to import it, if I did, then this all really did happen. I've debated posting it, I don't know how Holly would react to seeing it. It's the exact second that our shoot changed. The exact second that her worst fear came true, the moment that defined who we are as Mommies. Fight or flight.

"Click" said the shutter within my camera. One frame.

This all happened so quickly, at first I didn't remember it all. It was like a giant blur. Over the past 2 days, it's come back. Little glimpses into a living nightmare, seemingly never ending. I hear new words that were cried, new sounds, new muscles are a little more sore each day. I think that God has slowly revealed what He knows we can each handle on a daily basis...

Tyler was covering his eyes, hiding from something, something flying. I had time to take one step toward him (I was about 4 steps away) and bat away what I assumed was a gnat in his face. That's when I heard Holly cry out.

"Katie they're all over me, they're all over me!"

I run to her as she jumps about, I can now see bees all over her sweater. Tyler follows. I grab Landon from her wavering arms and hit a bee off of his back. Holly tears off her sweater. That's when I felt the first one.

Sting. My right side near my ribs.

Tyler begins to scream, they've found him. Holly frantically starts hitting at his jeans.

Sting. My left shoulder.

Sting. My left hip, through my shirt.

I let out a scream each time one gets me. Landon screams. Tyler screams. Holly screams.

We know that no ones can hear us. No one is coming. No one will come. No one can save us, all we can do is run.

I hooked Landon in my arms, somehow my camera strap wound up wrapped around his trunk. I know that it helped him stay in my arms.

"Holly stop, just run! HOLLY RUN!"

I turned to look at her as I took off down the long and winding path back to the street. She was crouched down hitting at Tyler's jeans. I could see through the swarm was was following me, and I could see the swarm that was surrounding them. I could see her flinch as they stung her. She looked up at me with terror in her eyes as I ran from her. I knew that she was desperate for my help. They were attacking her, her baby. They were attacking me. I knew that I couldn't turn back for them. I knew the bees had Tyler, I couldn't let them have Landon too. I saw her pick Ty up and begin to run. I didn't look back again. I took her baby and ran...

I've tried to be a runner. I have great running shoes, and an iPod full of great music, even a great small group that meets 3 times a week to run. To me, though, running isn't great. I can't do it. I don't enjoy "feeling the burn". My heart is weary after about 45 seconds, I just prefer yoga. In these 3 or 4 minutes of running, I wished I had stayed in that small group.

I held Landon across my chest and ran past the wheat field. He cried. I couldn't be gentle. I couldn't soothe him, or sing to him, or tell him that it was all going to be alright. I didn't know if it would be. The sound of my dirty, black converse hitting the path was punctuated by screams. My screams. "Help!" I cried out, I could hear the echo of my voice coming back at me. No one was coming to help us. "HELP!" Landon grunted every time I stepped into an uneven spot in the path, and jostled him around more than he had become accustomed to.

Sting. My left side, through my shirt.

Sting. My left side, through my shirt.

Sting. My left side, through my shirt.

Sting. My left side, through my shirt.

I couldn't swat the bees off of my body, I couldn't drop the baby. I ran, they followed, they stung. We ran past the pumpkin patch.

Sting. My right shoulder.

Sting, my right wrist.

Eventually, Landon stopped crying. He used what energy he had left to grunt. Each time I let out another scream, he let out a whimper. When we hit the apple orchard, I could see a few cars parked on the street. We were almost there. Someone would kill the bees that were left on me, if any. Someone would call 911. I just knew that a strong and brave man would run up into the orchard and take Tyler, carrying him quickly to a safe place. That didn't happen.

Once I reached the fence, I sat Landon up in my arms and threw my camera at a sweet old man. I ran across the street and to the car, looking Landon over. I turned and saw Holly carrying Tyler like a baby in her arms, his pants around his ankles. I threw Landon in his car seat, he wasn't crying. He was safe. The baby was safe. I cried out to her "Do I need to call 911?!". She didn't know. No one knew what Tyler would look like once we got him undressed. When she got to the car, we pulled off his shoes and pants. There were still bees in the folds of his pants. I hit at them. I knocked them to the street. I stomped on them so hard that I could feel the bones of my feet aching. Once both boys were safely in the car, I stripped my shirt off, and Holly and I frantically searched each other for more bees. They were gone. We jumped in the car, and drove. We didn't cry, we didn't know what to say. We drank water. We stopped at Walgreens for Benedryl gel. We were swollen, everywhere. We were short of breath, wheezing, coughing, reacting. We were in awe. We had been protected. No one was there to save us, except our God. 30 Minutes into our drive, there was a bee crawling up the window next to my head. It was never ending. The anxiety was palpable.

Between the 4 of us, we were stung about 25-30 times. Tyler was stung twice, Landon was stung once. Miracle. Holly's boys were fine, it was a miracle.

Tyler and Landon's shoot was a "hold in your hands, God was with us, God saved us" kind of miracle. It has changed me, forever. My God....is amazing. I am in awe. I will never doubt Him, I know that He is there when all I can do is cry out to Him...He heard me.

Our Story: My Side

There are two sides to this story....this is the first half of mine.

Yesterday was beautiful. Yesterday was full of anticipation, hand made goodness and warm, mountain light. It was an easy drive, a fully charged battery, and 24 MB of free space, waiting for perfection, images pure and true. It was one of those "I just got over my 12 hour bug and now I'm ready to conquer the world" days. It changed me, it altered my thinking and the way I view my God. Yesterday was a miracle that I can hold in my hand, that I can squeeze until I nearly strangle it. The miracle is tangible, real, I can taste it....it astounds me....

Yesterday was Tyler and Landon's shoot.

We had postponed this shoot a few times, location changes, wardrobe changes, babysitter issues. Finally heading up to Oak Glen was lovely. Holly and I marveled at the leaves, seemingly on fire from the season, burning in red and orange, falling upon the winding mountain rode, lifting in the wind as we flew past them. We talked about my Hubby's dream of owning land someday....possibly on this mountain side. Landon loved on his bottle, Tyler quietly took in all that his beautiful brown eyes could, absorbing every last turn, giggling with his brother from time to time. My insides jumped with excitement, thoughts of exposure and Speedlites running through my mind. Would we have enough sun? Did we leave too late?

There was sun, warm, inviting and glorious sun...sun that poured upon those boys, enveloping them in a heavenly glow. This type of sun, directly in my camera's sensor, makes it more difficult to achieve a perfect focus, makes me work harder, makes me passionately on fire for my art. This type of sun orders me onto the ground of a greasy parking lot, it taunts me, it challenges me, I fight it each time, I will get my shot. The sun will surrender to my art, the lens will flare exactly how I want it to, the sun will not tell me how to shoot.

We were blissful, Tyler was exploring, Landon was snuggly. Our shoot was amazing for almost an hour. I shot over 400 frames, and was ready for 400 more. Two weeks earlier, my own family and I had found a delicious spot past the apple orchard, past the pumpkin patch, at the top of the wheat field. Our next 400 frames were to be captured there, at that spot. THE spot. I was just there, it was a long walk, it would be worth it. So we walked. We walked. We kept walking. We laughed about our weak legs muscles. We stopped and traded babies. We gave Tyler an apple. We walked again. We headed into the trees....past the apple orchard, past the pumpkin patch, at the top of the wheat field.

I shot one frame of Tyler, and it happened. In that last frame, he had his hands covering his eyes. In the next second, I found out why...

(to be continued)

The Search For Help Begins

Somewhere between the head wound and the good glass of wine that followed, I came to the realization that I can't do it all on my own anymore. I can't be super mom, super wife, super daughter/sister/friend, super house keeper, super chauffeur, super photographer, super blogger, super church singer and super Mom2Mom Leader. The decision has been made....I'm hiring a house keeper. I've had two consultations so far, one today, I'm hoping to have someone start next week. Here is a list of what I need to get done THIS weekend.....

Family:

Take care of kids while Scott is at a 2 night Bachelor party (hmmm...)

Laundry

Potty train Ava

Clean out pantry

Go through Aden's clothes

PLAY

Business:

Finish editing Susan and Al's wedding (then blog, FB, get an album designed and ship their disc)

Finish editing baby Cayden's shoot (then blog, FB, and give them a disc)

Mail a disc to Riley's Farm (who is patiently waiting for it)

Order tri-fold cards

Finish ordering "Welcome Packet" materials

Call back a client to schedule her shoot

Design my jewel case covers (or lead Holly in the right direction so that she can do it)

Edit Ryan's headshots (then give him a disc)

Get up at sunrise on Sunday and drive to Malibu to shoot a wedding)

Mom2Mom:

Re-cap this week's speaker on the blog

Organize all of the flyers, handouts ECT

Get in touch with Jason about leading worship

Get in touch with Kameron about Mom's Night Out

Add 4 new moms to the contact list

SOOO after this post, I hope to stop complaining about how busy I am and actually get a grip on all of this....someone pray for me.

He Throws His Toys

Some days, I swim in a pool of warm and inviting love that my children pour for me. We have picnics in our backyard, we paint birdhouses and hang them in the deep purple tree that I used to hate. Some days, we cook dinner together for Daddy, making a mess of the kitchen and not caring. Other days, though, aren't as pretty. Other days, are downright ugly....

He threw a wooden block at my head and split it open. When it bled, I cried. When I cried, he laughed. The harder he laughed, the harder I cried. Aden's Autism makes it difficult for him to understand emotion...it also prevents him from reacting to it properly. When he saw me so upset, all he could go was fall on the floor and laugh. In my moment of hysterics and pain, all I wanted to do was scream, "Do you remember how I lovingly put clean jammies on you and brought you to my bed this morning to snuggle after you had an accident?! Do you care that I take care of you everyday and do everything I can to show love to you?!?!?!?!" He didn't remember that, though. He just laughed. I sent him to his room, where he happily played with his toys. Not a care in the world. Not a shred of remorse. Later, when I had collected myself, I showed his my head, and he understood, and was shocked.

"Mommy, I broke you!" he said, wide eyed.

"Yes Buddy, you did, because you threw your toy."

"Mommy, I won't throw my toys anymore, and I'll make you all better. (kiss). There! Is it better now?!?!?!"

"No, but it will be."

Some days are hard.

He's Four

My beautiful boy is four. Four. Just saying it feels foreign. Now, he has to eat four bites of his dinner, not three. He uses words like "delectable". He goes to school three days a week. He's learning about fire safety.....his vocabulary word this week its "tart". He's done learning how to crawl, walk and talk. Today, he played with Mia on the playground for a full 10 minutes. He chased her, laughed with her, climbed the big boy toys with her. I want to take her home with us, bottle her up, and love her for engaging him for so long! He now says that he has a best friend. "Aiden Lugar. A-i-d-e-n". He knows that Aiden's name is spelled differently than his....he is four....but he's still my Baby.

Long Overdue....

Seriously?! I haven't blogged about my family in over two months.....seriously?!?!?! Well, Fall is here (sort of) and I plan on blogging often (ha!). Eventually, I'd like to make this blog in to a book about my family....so I had better keep it updated. No more missing chapters....my boy is 4....more to come.